The Singing Exercise

Today's class was about facing the fears (and the excuses for these fears) which hold us back from being authentic/vulnerable and owing our power as leaders. (It is based on a chapter from Leadership Can Be Taught by Sharon Parks.) Holding this class is exhausting. Holding this class IS the signing exercise for the instructor. I introduced the basic gist of the class the week before (by modeling the exercise for them) and the class then spent an entire week sending flaming e-mails amongst themselves about how unfair this exercise was, how it was really a chance for them to be embarrassed, and how it had nothing to do with leadership. However, by the end of class today, I can safely say that they addressed these grievances themselves. Every semester, I ask myself if I should go through with this again and every time the answer from those who have gone before a resounding "YES!"

Three Marriages

I was speaking with my mentor last week and she asked me, "Where are the stresses in your life right now?" The answer was simple: work-life balance. She told me that when I phrase it that way, it means I am never fully immersed in one or the other, but always pulling back in an effort to maintain balance--which is an act of trying to off-set the movement of something by adding an opposite force. She said, "No wonder you are tired. Balancing on a knife point takes constant adjusting to the other side." Instead, she encouraged me to read David Whyte's new book called "Three Marriages" because it helps the reader understand that work, family, and self are not a balancing act, but relationships that all feed each other. I haven't read the book yet, but I plan to because I know that balancing these aspects of my life is not working and the first one of the three I "cheat on" is myself. By cheating myself, the other two relationships don't have a chance to thrive because, after all, didn't they choose me and what good is the "me" they chose if I can't even be present in the marriages?

One might ask what this has to do with adaptive leadership and you'd be right in questionning that. I will tell you that, for me, it has everything to do with it. Adaptive Leadership is about letting go of silos and integrating stakeholders. I am the biggest stakeholder of my life and I can't pretend that these three "marriages" of self, family, and work don't affect each other. I can't live a siloed life anymore. I don't believe that anyone is actually capable of separating these aspects of life, even though we think we do on a daily basis. All I have to do is look around at my students to know this is true. For example, today alone in class, a student is recovering from the loss of her cousin by suicide a week ago, another from the death of his dad just a month ago and a bicycling accident on Saturday that has temporarily disfigured his face, another who is so depressed he struggles to get out of bed each day, another who is single-parenting an 18 month old. They are 19 years old, they show up to class each day and they want to silo their lives, but I will not allow a class culture that supports such a thing. So, they bring their lives to the class and that becomes part of the fabric of the class. And, they take the class back to their lives and they change their friends, their careers, and their habits. And the carrier of all of this? The medium of change that makes this all possible? The Self. The marriage to the self (with a small s) that eventually becomes the marriage to the Self (with a big S, the non-egoic part that is actually unselfish by nature) after much attention has been paid to it. The rest just springs forth from that one fearless committment to be fully who we were born to be, an integrated and whole person acting from a place of integrated wisdom instead of siloed fears.

Going In

One of my favorite parts of teaching leadership through the Heifetz model is that I cannot pretend it's about getting disconnected concepts across to people. Sometimes as a teacher, especially at the college level, I can fall into the false belief that the students are to learn something from me. I am the holy vessel of knowledge and they are waiting to be filled. That's flattering, isn't it? Many times, the students themselves believe this old version of education too and then it's doubly tempting to believe it. What I not only love about teaching adaptively, but count on, is that the framework won't let the ego blindly accept this premise. The framework crashes up against my need to fill others with what I think they should know except at the most basic, foundational level. So, if I've had a hard week, not done enough planning, or have some other excuse for not being fully present with my class, I can only slip into the old paradigm for a few moments, not a semester. This doesn't come without cost to my ego, who loves to hear itself talk, but that is the point. This model of teaching teaches me, works on me at the same rate I allow it to work through me for my class. It is what keeps me coming back every semester to continue to do "the hard work of the soul."

Learning to Blog from the tech god Brian

I am not a blogger. I have tried to blog several times, but they usually lose steam. Today my dear friend and colleague (and tech god) Brian, is showing me how blogging can be good for me and those who care about things like leadership, undergraduate education and just connecting. He's all about the connecting because he's a woo and a tech god. So, here we sit in his little cube on a rainy Tuesday in March, teaching me to blog. I complain to Brian that I will fail yet again and this time more publicly than the other more anonymous times I have tried to keep a blog, but he both soothes and pushes me past this. Failing in public is what we teach. Only, it's so much easier to teach it than live it. So, this lesson from Brian is a great place to start this blog on teaching using the Adaptive Leadership technique because everything he just did with me and for me exemplifies about three of the basic pillars of our work: take risks, have friends who can support you in those risks, and identify the technical vs the adaptive issue in everything you do. Thanks B!